to go… or to stay… ?

“I can’t go with you and stay where I am…”

These lyrics from an amazing song have rolled in thoughts much this week. Jill Paquette sang it at church on Sunday. The words came and went quickly. They dropped me to my seat so I could scribble them down before the memory was lost. If you know the song this came from PLEASE let me know. This is now the only line I can remember.

Isn’t it true?

We just can’t go with Him and stay right where we are. Sometimes figuratively and sometimes in reality.

In two days I will journey with Him to Haiti. I will journey with Him to the place he desires me to see. I will serve the sweet faces He brings before me. I will know Him more. I will love Him more.

I cannot wait.

I will be arriving at the airport at 4 AM on Thursday Morning. Seriously. Throughout the day I will meet up with some amazing people who I am fortunate enough to travel with. My fellow Haiti team is Aaron and Jamie Ivey, Matt and Lauren Pappa, Jason and Sara Hyatt, Marcus and Chrystal Gafford, Amy Gayhart, Ginger Swan, and Kim Rhodes. I am excited to meet each and every person. While there we will be serving the Livesay family as well as Lori, Licia and the Rescue Center.

–

Anyway, I want to know if this phrase brings up emotion in you. What does it say to you? Do you think it is a true statement? Why?

“I can’t go with you and stay where I am…”

 

4:14 AM – 4:51 AM

4:14 AM

Can’t sleep.

Thinking.

• I’m tired
• When did life get so difficult?
• Am I ready to visit Haiti?
• Sorry for taking frustration out on Carly while in Wal-Mart.
• Wishing I could bring MORE to Haiti.
• Amazed by your generosity.
• Wishing I knew more answers.
• Feeling like giving up.
• Won’t.give.up.
• About money
• God
• The vulnerable teen years
• Girl’s ministry
• Missing my “girls”
• Glad they don’t read this.
• About what is most important to me.
• How Carly is growing up
• How Colt is growing more wild each day
• About the days he was so quiet
• About adoption
• I have baby fever
• I don’t not need to have a baby now
• Debra, snap out of it, You are crazy.
• The grass is greener on the other side.
• Why did I eat sausage for dinner?
• I would love to learn Greek.
• About the photography style I admire.
• I might turn on the TV
• I have changed so much.
• I am boring you to death.
• Wishing this blog was more fun.
• I need a date night. BAD.
• I’m Believing God.
• What biblestudy to do next.
• The book of Acts is cool.
• Will my faith read like that?
• Excited about church in the morning.
• About my friends and praying for them.
• About the Haiti team and praying for them.
• About Compassion Interantional.
• About Chibwede, Our Sponsored Child.
• About the opportunities that we have past up this year.
• The endless “why” questions.
• Maybe I can sleep now.

Hopefully.

4.51 AM

 

See what I see.

See what I see.

The trees are moving to the sound of the wind.  The birds are chirping a graceful song.  The soft hub of the fan is soothing my spirit.  The purple duct tape bible is resting on my chest.  The heart within me is indulging in hope.  The sweet refreshing moment is being enjoyed.

Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being,  praise his holy name.   Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits-who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s. (Psalm 103:1-5)

He is good.

I am now 7 days away from traveling to Haiti.  I am humbled and anxious.  My mind is swirling yet calm.  It is strange.  About an hour ago I took my first malaria pill.  The medicine bottle carries these warnings:  May cause dizziness, Call your Dr. immediately if you experience mood changes such as sadness, depression, or fear.  I am a girl that cannot handle a Tylenol so I am a little worried about the extreme feelings of depression.  I do not need any help with emotions these days.  Interesting.

 

i.

i am:  just me.
i think:  i worry too much.
i know: the love of my husband.
i want: a cute kitchen.
i have: some really thick hair.
i wish:  for tomorrow.
i hate: onions
i miss: my back porch in Abilene.
i fear: my dreams not coming true.
i feel: quiet.
i hear: Jon and Kate plus 8.
i smell: nothing.
i crave: white wedding cake with butter cream icing.
i search: for strength.
i wonder: what I will feel in Haiti.
i regret: hurt in past relationships.
i love: adventure. (most of the time)
i ache: over the orphans in the world.
i care: about simple things.
i always: sleep on my side.
i am not: tall.  why?
i believe: in the dreams of my children.
i dance: more than you would think.
i sing: in the car…always.
i cry: ugly.
i don’t always: share my thoughts.
i fight: to keep faith.
i write: for reflection.
i win: at card games against Ernest.
i lose: at all sports games.
i never: have it all together.
i confuse: my emotions easily.
i listen: when you talk.
i can usually be found: thinking, dreaming, reading. (or on my laptop)
i am scared: that I will live here forever.
i need: Him.
i am happy about: the future.

Some pictures from this afternoon.

swinging high into the sky.

 

The Chrysalis Experience

Something has been exploding in my brain over the last months (maybe even the last year).  Why and what questions are taking over my habitual thoughts.  The very question that finds itself at the surface is what is my deepest want.

Is it to have a beautiful home where we can escape from the world?

Is it to become important in this life?

Is it to become a drop dead amazing photographer?

Is it to live amongst great design and textures?

Is it to have wonderful friends and linger in great conversation?

Is it to be a dreamy writer?

Is it to touch the lives of women and girls around me?

Is it to share justice with the world in ways I cannot fathom?

This question has flooded my eyes with tears, brought aches to my already hurting head, and has above all left me wordless.

The last months are morphing the very person I am into one that I am to become.   I cannot convey the very emotion of my heart.  It is an intense emotional vacation of the soul.  I feel the pressure of the chrysalis around me.  The morphing is dramatic and might I add a bit scary.  I am scared at the person who is going to come out of this wrap.  I am scared that she is going to be so different that her friends will shy away.  I am more afraid of breaking free too early and remaining a very bored worm.

I loved every moment of todays service at church.  Dr. Rene’ Padilla shared along with Chris as well as an amazing apostle from Liberia.  (Liz do you know his name?  I didn’t write it down.)  At one point Dr. Padilla asked the very question that stirs every emotion in my being.  What is our deepest want as opposed to our artificial wants.  I hung on every word he spoke.  I could have all day long.  I so wish you were there.  It is a must that you download the podcast for March 2, 08.  I promise your soul will be touched.

I am amused that God meets me exactly where I am.  I feel the morphing to be tragic at times.  It is in those secret moments that I turn my eyes from my sweet Jesus to my own experience.  It never works.  He captivates me and speaks to me with his very intentional voice.  “Debra, what is your deepest want?”  In my almost little girl voice I tearfully say “I want You.”  I do.  I want the heart for sharing justice that has been birthed.  I want to capture the beautiful loved children of God on film.  I want to provide a safe haven for my family.  I want the dream that has been labored within my soul.  I want You to be written all over this emerging self.  You.  You have truly brought change to this life.

Today I am still unsure of where our life is going.  There are many different paths to choose and I feel a closing to this chapter.  I believe this time was more than needed.  If you have wondered about my lack of words or more quiet thoughts it is because there has been much to ponder.

I hope to regain my use of words soon.  I miss them.

 

forever needy.

Every morning I wake up with complete need.  Can I just admit that?  I am forever needy.  I need to be loved.  I need to feel relationship.  I need to be secure.  I need to understand.  I need to dream.  You get the point.  I am in NEED.

Some days I  tend to put it off on Ernest.  I begin to think that He has not filled my need.  He is not talking to me.  He is not feeding my dream.  He does not love me like I thought he would.  And on and on…

Some days I put it on my children. I begin to think they are horrible today.  I am such a bad mom.  Their screams for “Mommy” hinders my dreaming factor.  I need time.  I need ME time.  Selfishness at it’s ugliest is what these days are.

Some days I put it off on my present circumstances.  I begin to think I just want my own house.  I am going crazy living life like this.  God, have you forgotten about me?  My kids are ready to have their own place to play and laugh. The hours are drawing long.

then on other days. 

I remember that I wake up needy.  I take the GIANT need to the only one that can fill it.  I put on my walking shoes and head out with my little red sansa clip (mp3) for some need filling.  Today was one of those days.  The songs always remind me of how I am in dire need of Jesus Love.  I begin to feel the effects of his love filling the very well of my soul.   

Here are some words that helped me today.

• I’m satisfied (I find it all in YOU)
• I’m Mesmerized…that is how it is when I am with YOU.
• The More I seek YOU the more I find YOU.
• I can lean back and feel YOU close.
• Captivate Me Sweet Jesus.
• All of you is more than enough for ALL of ME.
• I need YOU to love ME.
• You’ve got all things suspended and connected.
• I am not a mystery to YOU. 
• You are to be PRAISED.
• Nothing is forgotten!

Why do I try to make others fill my need when I KNOW they are not capable?  The only way to be whole is to run to the very one who is Wholeness.  He alone can meet the needs and desires of my heart.  He alone.  

 

 

Christians

Should Christians have a certain “look”?

 

Are you hot?

Seriously, My question is what turns you on? Let me refine this question a bit…

What motivates you to live life? What about life excites you to the point of giddyness? When do you walk with a skip in your step and a song on your lips? What aspect of life makes your heart flutter with eager anticipation?

Let’s be honest. There are only a few things that bring about this result.

:::

The last 6 months have been crazy. Crazy with down time, crazy with fear, crazy with thoughts, just plain crazy. We have been in a place of between this and that. When we arrived here in our new communal living arrangement we thought this would be all of a couple of weeks,HELLO, 6 months. Through this crazy time we have learned much about ourselves, our dreams, and our faith. We have seen the intricate ways that we have been provided for spiritually and physically.

The waiting has been killing me. I have felt every moment. I even began to feel thrown aside and discarded as used up material. We sought positions then when pressed to make a decision did not feel a calling there. It has been very evaluating to say the least. All the while the future seemed very gray and unknown.

:::

Clarity. The gray cloud of fog has risen. The time was needed to get us here, to work out the change of heart. I could bore you with details of how the clarity light switched on but I won’t. Let’s just say it has been supernatural minutes that I plan to cherish all my days.

:::

We needed this time to see what turned on that switch.

:::

Fighting against the social injustices of the world…Teaming with a mission organization for that purpose…taking teenagers/college students on mission trips to birth a love…Giving our days away…Living them to the fullest…People…Learning new ways to share life and love…Being part of a revolution, a crazy ill equipped group of Jesus lovers…And more and more.

:::

This is the vision. The short side. This is what makes our heart race with desire to abandon everything for our place of service. This is when our cheeks light up with color while dreaming of the souls we will meet along the way. This is it.

We thought we were a little crazy and it turns out we are. Over the last 6 months God has crossed our path with some other crazies out there and we are the better for it. I love the community that we have been worshiping with. It has been so refreshing. The time has been more than worth it.

:::

What makes you live life with a HOT passion?

 

i must confess…

…i am eating cake (good cake) and hating myself for it.

…i am beginning to feel the need to take up cussing.

…i am in a horrible mood…HORRIBLE.

…i haven’t had my quiet time in days.

…i  want to key the car of the man that cut my hair today, alright, I just want to think about it.

…i want to crawl somewhere and hide but instead i am writing this??…

…i hate the way I feel right now.

…i feel guilty for not being “happy” today.

…i feel nervous about posting this.

…i am not myself lately.

…i am restless.

…i feel the need to explain myself.

…i am not perfect.

…i am nowhere near perfect.

 

lighting a candle

2008.

a new plan, a new day, a clean slate…

so many dreams to chase after…so many things to learn.

::

I remember walking around this amazing church in Belgium soaking in all the feel that I could. More than that, I remember watching this lady walking around the church endlessly lighting candles. If I think on it long enough, I can faintly hear the sound of her black dress shoes clicking the floor. Her face was so sincere. I wondered how long it took her to walk to the church. I wondered what she was so intently praying for. I wondered.

::

Today in church a slide came on with a picture of candles similar to the ones in the picture. The speaker was talking about the new year. About making our life radical as we follow after Jesus. The picture brought me to this exact moment of the church in Belgium. It was the moment when a radical Jesus began to take control of my life. In the midst of beautiful tradition He began to woo me away to abandon all that I had known to pursue something better.

::

it was just a moment.

a life changing moment.

::